Destructive

There’s a piece of me that is deep within that hates to be happy. It awakens to destroy every beautiful thing in my life and then vanishes without a sound. Every impulse begins screaming that you don’t deserve any of it and it drowns me in the waves of its voice. My will is too often paralyzing me in the desperate self preservation of what is. God herself could descend upon me restoring it all—and I would still have disbelief and I would still feel the impulse to destroy it all over again. To receive everything that you could ever want is a nightmare that you can’t wake up from.